“I am very disappointed that the league office has taken to planting fake news releases, citing anonymous sources, to drive a wedge between myself and Breck Dockstader,” Spainhower said at a press conference that lasted 25 minutes. “I moved here from Iowa; then Breck moved here from Hurricane. If it was my family’s intention to strip Breck of his family fortune would we not have moved here first?”

That timeline is currently being reviewed for verification although sources close to the league office speculated that the Spainhowers may have persuaded local high school officials to ‘recruit’ Breck. Recruiting allegations have surfaced before now, but this is the first time the Spainhower connection has been made. An investigation by the UHSAA a few years ago was inconclusive, and Dockstader was allowed to retain his eligibility.

Some also speculate that Spain pulled strings to get Breck a couple games in major league wiffleball.

Dockstader, who hit well below the Finndoza line last season and did not play in the four games that were played prior to the strike, was indeed a surprise call-up to the majors.

“Everyone thought the call-up was going to go to Derek Taylor,” said Lee Finlinson. But Taylor mysteriously disappeared about a year ago and his whereabouts are still unknown.

Dockstader, a relative novice, was chosen ahead of such FLB minor-league legends as John Beckstrand, Jeffrey Young, Doug Grafelle, and Ryan Scad.

A move that angered many within the wiffleball world.

“I have always suspected foul play kept Scad out of the majors,” seethed Jeff Finlinson. “Breck had no business being out there.”

Spainhower, however, disagrees.

“I thought he hit great,” said Spainhower, a long-time Finndoza-line dweller.

The buried treasure of Argyle Dockstader has long been rumored, but Spainhower said he only learned of its existence last year.

Reporter: So then, Mr. Spainhower, can you confirm its existence?

Spainhower: I can.

Reporter: Have you ever discussed its whereabouts with Mr. Dockstader?

Spainhower: I am not going to respond to that question.

Reporter: Is that a piece of ancient parchment on the ground … it almost looks like … I think it is … A map! And look there’s a giant X in the mi…

Spainhower (yanking the parchment away): Give that back.

Later, Cody Ferdinando, whose family is also rumored to have a role in this buried treasure saga, claims the commissioner wants to break up the players’ union and is resorting to lies to do so.

“I am not related to any Aravytas Ferdinando,” he said. “That name sounds made up. (Ed’s note: It’s not. Google it.) Listen, if had access to buried treasure, do you think I’d be living with Spain and Breck?”

Finally, Ferd relented somewhat.

I” agree, though, my relationship with Breck is about getting treasure–the wiffleball league’s treasure,” he said. “I work hard and get almost no respect and almost no pay from the commissioner’s office. I need more coin in my pocket, and that’s what Breck is about: Making me rich.”

“I need no more motivation to work hard than to know that if I get the players a raise it’s adios Ferdo!” said Dockstader.

Dockstader also disputes recent claims that he operates a vegetarian cafe in Long Beach, Calif.

“That’s another Breck Dockstader,” he said. “Not only I am a carnivore; I am not friends with vegans.”

“What does he have against people from Las Vegas?” asked Dale.

“No, you idiot! Vegans are people who are too incapacitated to live a normal life,” said Amber, adding, “Duh!”

Somewhere, the ‘Stader shook his head.

“It’s this kind of idiocy that keeps the wiffleball wages low,” he sighed.

But a professor at a nearby college claims not only is there treasure (the whereabouts of which are currently only known by Dockstader), but his relatives also left clues in 18th and 19th Century texts.

“Argyle Dockstader was a speechwriter for Abraham Lincoln,” said the professor who asked to remain anonymous. “He wrote the Gettysburg Address, and he included a pentad cipher within that discourse. You go through and circle every fifth letter. And then everytime the letter “e” appears in the results, the next letter is a clue. By doing this, I have been able to determine that one the location is somewhere between Oklahoma and Nevada.

“Argyle Dockstader promised to follow up with a second set of clues that were more specific. In fact, he was the chief writer for the Forgiveness Speech that Lincoln was to deliver. But Lincoln was assassinated before he could ever deliver it. The Forgiveness Speech was sealed away in the National Archives, from where it was stolen in the 1920s–the only document stolen in the heist, giving rise to the idea that the speech did indeed carry a treasure map.

“In fact, some think there was no break-in, and that it was the National Archives assistant curator Aravytas Ferdinando who stole the map. The Ferdinando clan had a long-time connections to organized crime, and even some of their surviving members still have disturbing criminal records to this day.  It is also rumored that the Ferdinando family never quit looking for the treasure although they never could figure out what was on the ‘map.’

“So supposedly in the 1990s they took the speech or ‘map’ to a professor in Iowa by the name of Spainhower. Together, the Spainhowers and Ferdinandos launched a clever scheme by which they would rid the Dockstader family of the treasure, for the Dockstaders still held several key clues. To get these clues, the Spainhowers and Ferdinandos decided they would have to befriend the Dockstader family.

“Apparently, this very plot may be playing out in the major league wiffleball circuit.”

But Andrew Spainhower, longtime wiffleball journeyman and suspected user of illegal fireworks, stands up for his friend and roommate Dockstader.

“Obviously we’re underpaid,” he said. “I’ve been in the league for nearly five years, and I still have to have a roommate to make ends meet.”

Commissioner Norm disagrees.

“Breck owns a sizable portion of the Verizon Wireless Empire, why does he need a roommate?” the commissioner asks.

Meanwhile, fans have grown wary of the excuses.

Three fans–Megan Knell, Paula Brooks and Tina Reed–have spearheaded a class action lawsuit against Dockstader.

“We want wiffleball,” said Knell.

“We need wiffleball,” said Brooks.

“We’d like apiece of that Dockstader fortune,” said Reed.

In an e-mailed statement to the FLB, Elder Dale Finlinson announced he has been named an assistant to the president in the Oregon, You-Jeh-Guh-Knee Mission. His statement is shown below:

i only have 8 months left so thats pretty crazy to think about! so wahts new for you? as for the mission we got a new prez this week! it was crazy cool! i met him at the airport when he flew in because im the A.P now! its pretty sweet being a.p but its a big responsibility keepin all the elders in line!!!!!!!!

Dear Adam,

We are pleased to find out that there is another great wiffleball league in the Beehive State. But, as you know, the Southern end of the state is superior when it comes to warm-weather sports. However, we may invite you guys to become an official minor league affiliate of the Finlinson League of Baseball. Trust me. This is a great honor, and not one you should turn down. Other leagues, from Milwaukee and New York, have inquired about affiliating, and we turned them down.

As for an exhibition game, we question whether Fillmore is the true central point between St. George and Provo. To that end, Beaver might work also, but it is not a true halfway point. I’m sure there’s a farm exit between Fillmore and Beaver that might be better suited. After all, we do have to use diesel fuel for the team bus, and it’s like friggin’ five bucks a gallon here. Do you guys have cars in Provo? I hear that place is pretty 19th Century.

As for our athletic talents, we like to cover the field ourselves; we play three-man teams because of our excessive speed training. Some of our players are even rumored to be the products of thoroughbred-human cross-breeding. And the way some of them act on the field and the way they look, the rumor seems plausible (see Young, Jeffrey). We would love to accept your challenge; however, we are currently going through a 12-week players strike due to the greedy players union rep, the detestable Breck Dockstader, and our greatest pinch runner (the Jose Reyes/Juan Pierre of our league), Spain, broke his collarbone (again), breaking up a double play. Also, some of our players have decided to put their names in for the Hall of Fame, sending them into personal semi-retirement. Some of them, though, are still contributing to the community through a work release program offered by our local jail (google Ferdinando, Cody for more details). But we look forward to continuing these negotiations with you; and we hope our exhibition game can bring some attention to this great sport in this great state; particularly so that more stores will start carrying our league-approved wiffleball gear.

Sincerely,

Commissioner Norm

P.S. The Greatest Snow on Earth!

The FLB players strike is now entering its sixth week, and union president Breck Dockstader is being universally blamed for the strike lasting as long as it has even by some of his own players.

“We should be playing wiffle right now,” said local hero Lee Finlinson. “But, instead, The ‘Stader (Dockstader) is insisting on things we don’t care about.”

The primary hangup right now is testing for performance enhancers and the pension for Dante’ Caldwell.

“Dante’ isn’t even retired, and he’s never registered as a professional wiffleballer,” said Commissioner Norm. “How can an amateur draw a pension? It makes no sense.”

The strike originally commenced over a dispute with how much of the gate should go to players.

“In the past, 14 percent of the gate went to the players,” Norm said. “They wanted 30, and I gave them 28. The ‘Stader didn’t like that. He insisted on 28.2 percent and then released a statement talking about what a brilliant negotiator he is.”

John is frustrated.

“This is The ‘Stader’s great moment,” John said. “Breck never caught on in the majors. And this is his chance to be noticed, so he’s holding up the process unduly. So no we are unruly.”

“I hate it when John tries to rhyme,” said Paula Brooks. “I’d ask for that to be part of the strike revision–no rhyming and no third person quotes. That is the idea of me, Paula Brooks Finli–oops! I’m not supposed to tell anyone that Lee and I eloped.”

“I thought she said, ‘Let’s go to Vegas and get cantaloupe,” Lee explained.

“Why would you go to Vegas to get cantaloupe?” Andrew Spainhower asked.

“I was just happy we were going to Vegas,” said Lee.

“Then why did you go through with it?”

“For the free steak dinner.”

“Now, that is what we should be insisting on. Screw Dante’s pension! I want a steak dinner,” Spainhower concluded.

Who’s to blame?

“That greedy, backstabbing, Barbarian Breck Dockstader,” said Commissioner Norm.

In a unilateral* move, Dockstader ordered the strike.

Immediate speculation asserts that Dockstader, who had a troubled season last year as a utility infielder, called for the strike after not making the majors.

Dockstader, instead, was assigned to play for the LaVerkin Lethargy, a Single-A team, not far from where Dockstader’s roots in Hurricane**.

Dockstader was elected union president last year after he campaigned for the job. He replaced previous president Tammy Finlinson.

“No one had ever campaigned before,” said Wayne. “I thought it was unusual. But I got a pencil, and the promise of donuts at every players meeting. So I voted for him. And you know what? That dingleberry has not once brought donuts.

“And now he is ordering a strike, which means I won’t be able to buy as many donuts.”

Tammy Finlinson said she was not surprises to see her replacement struggle.

“He had no prior experience, a low batting average and an even lower PVR,” she said. “Of course, he sucks.”

Dockstader purportedly is asking for a larger share of the revenue. Currently, the players get 14 percent. He wants 16 percent.

* – Dale, that means “acting on his own.”

* – Pronounced like hurricane by those who can read. Her-ih-CUN by those who live there. Yes, that means Hurricanites can’t read. Don’t worry about me posting that on this Web site; the people in Hurricane will never know.

Whitehead’s donation blessed the lives of two boys. Whitehead watched, via the Internet, as the two boys named Dante’ and Briton received checks for 2 1/2 cents.

“It feels good to give back,” said Whitehead.

Commissioner Norm stated Whitehead was not giving back.

“They took what was his and gave it to someone else,” he said. “That’s not giving back; it’s paying taxes.”

No reaction was recorded yet from Omaha.

“Just wait five minutes and then someone will post this on a Creighton basketball blog, and then all of Omaha will read it,” said Norm.

“Can we just get back to wiffleball?” asked Lee. “Tom’s not that interesting. I mean, it’s Tom.”

Personally, we can’t believe anyone discovered our little blog, which we just set up, to mark yet another wiffleball season, but we intended it to be used just among us friends and not for the greater Omaha area. When Tom called me this afternoon to tell me that people were asking him about our site, I was like, “What the heck is happening?” He and I had a good chuckle about it.

But thanks for swinging by. We’ve got 10 times as many hits today as we did in our entire first day.

From the Omaha World-Herald

By Perry Price

Tom Whitehead’s future at Creighton University took a blow Wednesday when the NCAA announced it is looking into whether Whitehead accepted money to play wiffleball professionally.

Whitehead for years played in the world’s elite wiffleball league, the Finlinson League of Baseball.

“He was never a star attraction,” said Commissioner Norm, “but he was steady. You could count on him to show up and not walk out in the middle of the game, which is more than I can say for some of our other players. He was professional in every sense of the word.”

That quote, made last week to the Omaha World-Herald, drew some controversy, especially in light of the current allegations that Whitehead is not an amateur. That prompted an investigation by the Omaha World staff.

In the course of the investigation, a 1994 contract between L. Tom Whitehead and Commissioner Norm was uncovered. The contract, signed by both parties agrees to pay Tom, a nickel for playing out the baseball season.

“Tom was never paid,” said the Commissioner.

Why not?

“He ran headfirst into a wall playing football and forgot that I owed him a nickel,” said the Commissioner.

So was Tom ever paid?

“Yes, I gave him a Schrute Buck on Facebook just today for the time he played at Finlinson Field,” the Commissioner said.

Why now?

“Because I wanted to ruin his amateur status,” the Commissioner said.

To bring Tom back to Finny Field?

“No, just out of spite.”

It appears the accepting of a Schrute buck is an NCAA violation. NCAA President Myles Brand left Ohio State University, passing 10 Buckeye football players driving brand new BMWs on his way to the airport.

“I am freakin’ ticked; this is blatant cheating,” screamed Brand about Whitehead’s acceptance of a Schrute buck.

Whitehead said he had no control over whether to take the Schrute buck.

“It kind of just got assigned to me,” he said. “It has no cash value.”

Visible steam billowed from Brand’s ears.

“I hope Whitehead burns in hell,” bellowed Brand, as a Nebraska football player carrying a suitcase full of cash walked by him. “I must protect the integrity of the NCAA student-athlete.”

With that, Brand whirled, handed his bags to a former All-America basketball player at North Carolina who now has no chance of a real career because he never went to class in college, and left.

“Them Tar Heels sure is dumb,” said Dale.