Earlier this week, Adam Freestone, the leader of a renowned wiffleball league in Provo, challenged the Finlinson League of Baseballers to a game in the friendly confines of Fillmore. After discussing the invitation with revered advisers, Lee Bang and Spain Spain, the Commissioner posted this reply:
Dear Adam,
We are pleased to find out that there is another great wiffleball league in the Beehive State. But, as you know, the Southern end of the state is superior when it comes to warm-weather sports. However, we may invite you guys to become an official minor league affiliate of the Finlinson League of Baseball. Trust me. This is a great honor, and not one you should turn down. Other leagues, from Milwaukee and New York, have inquired about affiliating, and we turned them down.
As for an exhibition game, we question whether Fillmore is the true central point between St. George and Provo. To that end, Beaver might work also, but it is not a true halfway point. I’m sure there’s a farm exit between Fillmore and Beaver that might be better suited. After all, we do have to use diesel fuel for the team bus, and it’s like friggin’ five bucks a gallon here. Do you guys have cars in Provo? I hear that place is pretty 19th Century.
As for our athletic talents, we like to cover the field ourselves; we play three-man teams because of our excessive speed training. Some of our players are even rumored to be the products of thoroughbred-human cross-breeding. And the way some of them act on the field and the way they look, the rumor seems plausible (see Young, Jeffrey). We would love to accept your challenge; however, we are currently going through a 12-week players strike due to the greedy players union rep, the detestable Breck Dockstader, and our greatest pinch runner (the Jose Reyes/Juan Pierre of our league), Spain, broke his collarbone (again), breaking up a double play. Also, some of our players have decided to put their names in for the Hall of Fame, sending them into personal semi-retirement. Some of them, though, are still contributing to the community through a work release program offered by our local jail (google Ferdinando, Cody for more details). But we look forward to continuing these negotiations with you; and we hope our exhibition game can bring some attention to this great sport in this great state; particularly so that more stores will start carrying our league-approved wiffleball gear.
Sincerely,
Commissioner Norm
P.S. The Greatest Snow on Earth!
